Now pull out your issue of Mental Health Daily and let me welcome you into my world for a bit. Depression to me is like this dark engulfing presence reoccurring and existing inside of me no matter what I do. Sometimes its tentacles aren’t gripping so tight and I don’t worry about it as much. Other times its tentacles are so tight the air feels like it has needles in it.
Bi-polar and I have a love hate relationship. He loves me while I hate him. Yes I call it a he because it reminds me of a guy I used to know. Hot and cold, when it’s good it’s great and when it’s bad well nice is saying its rough. I severely dislike him and how it feels like he controls the switch to my emotions. One second I’m happy sparkling me and the next I’m not so sparkling anymore.
Now if you turn to page 14 you find an article on PTSD and triggers. Yup, you guessed right I deal with those too. Why you ask does a 24 year old deal with PTSD triggers? This is because back in August of 2011 I was raped. This caused a lot of triggers for me. Triggers that I face daily and have slowly started only now to get through.
Anxiety for me has been an issue only in the last four years. I sometimes feel like I have a pet elephant who likes to sleep on my chest, like my airways are gears that don’t fit together anymore.
You may now close that issue of Mental Health Daily. So I have my issues. Everyone has their issues. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have these issues. Lately some of these issues that make up my subscription to Mental Health Daily have been a lot worse especially the darkness inside me.
Lately I’m feeling like I’m living in a dark cloud. It surrounds me and engulfs my every day to day movements and feelings. My body feels like it’s betraying me it hurts and aches in places I don’t feel normally. My feelings aren’t so all over the place lately which should be a plus but they aren’t upbeat either. I’ve been lost in this dark tunnel that seems to move as I walk through it, causing me to continuously stumble and fall.
My anxiety has been quite out of bounds the last little bit as well. I like to say I stress over things that aren’t even available to be stressing about yet. That’s the easiest way to explain it. My brain is constantly going, worrying, and stressing about things that I shouldn’t even stress over. Especially if I can’t change anything that I’m stressing over. Lately my mind has been on overload and I’ve been over analyzing everything in my day to day life.
I’m not sure how I’m going to fix this one. I just know I’m lucky enough to have Daddy and Sissy who, even though it’s not always easy, support me and help me through things. I know that even in the darkest of times, I have them .