Yep I said it, being a strong person sucks. Not always, but most of the time. Why? Well, because when you're a strong person that's what everyone always expects from you. So what happens when you're a strong person that can't be strong anymore? You crack. At least, I do. That's what's been happening lately to me. There's STILL issues surrounding Dillhole..there will be for a while, as this is the biggest thing that is cracking my ability to be strong right now. |
Wait..what? Yep. I'm carrying around an incredible amount of guilt and shame over the whole incident. Part of me wishes I had never said anything, because then I wouldn't have had to admit that I had done something stupid.
There it is though....
I did something stupid.
I'm ashamed, I DO know better.
I've said it before, and I'll continue to say it..I have NO idea why I let my guard down with him.
I can't change what happened. I can't change how I reacted to it, it's already done..so now all I can do is share what I'm dealing with because of it.
I have not been out to any public even since our relationship with Dillhole ended, though Daddy and Sissy have..I twisted the situation to make it so that I was unable to go with them and 'forced' to stay home..when that was actually what I wanted. I wasn't able to talk about it at the time, but as it's been a few weeks since then I've sort of worked it all out in my head.
The problem I'm having is that I'm embarrassed to face the community in general now. I made a stupid mistake, and the results of that sucked, and I did say something..but now EVERYONE knows that I made a stupid mistake.
That's hard to deal with. This is where being a strong person sucks. I say all the time that I don't care what other people think of me, if they don't like me too bad, their loss. For the most part I really do feel this way, because I'm awesome and if people can't see that then too bad for them, but I also have this desperate need for approval.
I don't think that's just me though. I think we all have a need inside us to be not just approved of but liked by our peers. I feel like I will be prejudged by people that I haven't met yet in regards to this mistake I've made.
I'm also terrified of running into Dillhole in the community. He is still active and attending events, and I have NO idea where. That puts me in a very vulnerable position. The only event I KNOW I'm safe attending is my own local munch, because the majority of people that attend that event have already expressed to me that they will keep me safe from him if he does show his face there.
I keep coming up with excuses for people as to why I can't attend events, but the truth is really just that I don't want to right now. That makes me sad..the munch where we met Dillhole was only my first one back out in the community after 4 years away from the public scene due to life circumstances.
So now what? I'm someone that's perceived as 'strong' by many people. I don't think I am, but other people do, so I let them think it.
Except now I just admitted that I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. So there's more shame..because I can't live up to what people expect of me and this causes me anxiety attacks.
I also happen to think it takes a strong, and brave person to admit they are weak and need help. This is the point I'm at now..I'm not able to carry the burden of all of life's stresses right now. I may have to seek counselling if this isn't something I can get under control on my own soon.
I'm determined to work my way through this. I'm not going to let him win this. I wont always be afraid of running into him, eventually I'll get my strength and courage back..but until then...
I'll probably stay home where I know it's safe. I'm still encouraging Daddy and Sissy to go out and socialize and I welcome everyone to get to know them. When I'm ready I'll be back out, it's probably going to be a while but it'll be worth me being ready.
Anxiety is something I've always dealt with..so I have some pretty good coping skills, but again because I seem strong this isn't something people many people know about me. It's not something that's easy to talk about, particularly when you're already feeling shame or anxiety surrounding a situation.
One simple comment from an acquaintance could send me into a panic attack and this is one of the biggest reasons why I fully agree and support everyone that says the victim blaming needs to stop. For exactly the reasons I've talked about here, victims spend enough time blaming themselves, we don't need other people to do it for us.
(Now, please notice I said I deal with anxiety, but that I can be triggered into a panic attack, there is a difference and I do have anxiety attacks occasionally, but I'm more likely to have a panic attack in public..and here's a little chart to help explain the difference..each case of course is different depending on the person. If you know someone that suffers from anxiety or panic attacks it's best to ask them what it looks like for them and how you can help.)
The better thing to do really would just to ask how I'm doing. If I tell you I'm ok, I mean just that..right in this moment I'm ok, let's just leave it at that alright? Thank you for asking, it really does mean a lot to me.
If I tell you I'm not ok..it's ok if you don't know what to say, I don't know what I want you to say either, I'm just comfortable enough with you to let you know that no, I'm not ok and I'm not myself. That probably means that you at some point will become the person I'm yelling at, it's not fair but it's how things work unfortunately.
Why would I yell at you if I'm comfortable and like you? Well..that's because if you upset me I'll be comfortable enough to tell you that and I'm not typically gentle about it. That also means though, that after I blow up, I'm going to feel bad because you mean something to me and I will want to talk about it and work it out and come up with a solution, if you can't do that then there's a good chance you wont last long in my life.
All I really ask is that people love me and accept me for who I am. Don't place your ideas of what you think I am on me, don't hold me to your expectations, just expect me to always be me and honest with you.
The more I know I'm accepted as I truly am, the faster I will rebuild my strength and be able to rejoin the community and share my awesome self with everyone again!
Much Love,
~*~ Kat ~*~