So, while I was limping through my kitchen earlier, in the attempt to make my oldest daughter a toasted peanut butter and jam sandwich I had a much different thought than I usually do. I found myself for probably the first time in over 5 years of living in this tiny crap-tastic apartment glad that our kitchen was SO tiny.
If you've been following me for a little bit, I wrote a post about how "Dirt Piles Don't Get Wi-Fi" in which I explain our apartment and why it sucks..but let's get back to THIS post and why I was finally after so long actually glad that my kitchen was tiny.
You see, since the fall of 2010 when I had our second daughter Destiny by c-section (due to her health, she passed away 4 months later), I have been having increasingly persistent all over body pain.
Normal in the months right after a c/s..and to exasb{p?}erate {how do you spell that damn word? Is it really a word? Is it a 'P'? Leave a message and let me know if you know!!} things, I got pregnant about 5 months after Destiny was born.
THAT pregnancy...twins!
Pure uncontainable joy for the heart, AGONY for the body!
358 days after Destiny was born The Monkey & her twin brother Jaxon were born.
{Side note: I have decided that for autonomy my living children will have nicknames when referred to in writing, my children that have passed are both referred to by their real names as given to them at birth. If you ever happen to be discussing my children with me in person, I do use their real given names that I *PROMISE* are normal by society's standards!}
SOOOO...Let's fast forward some, just a few years, until the present. BooBoo our oldest daughter is 6 right now; The Monkey is 3 1/2..and we call her The Monkey for a reason..climbs EVERYTHING.
I've been having to get more and more active with my girls as they get older, but the problem with that is that I'm finding, even though I'm only 31 which is quite young, my body is behaving in a manner that is not that of a 31 year old woman.
Unfortunately I can't tell you exactly what it is my body is doing, I have what in my house we call 'Mysteryitis'. Several symptoms are contained with in many auto immune diseases, it could be related to my diabetes, it really could be something 'mysterious' or new..but mostly I'm told it's 'nothing', and that there's nothing anybody can do for me.
I have finally convinced my doctor to send me to a ruhmatologist, I'm waiting on that.
I, on most days need at least 45 minutes after my alarm goes off in the morning to be able to move my limbs enough to actually physically lift my body from the bed. If Daddy is available to help me up, I can do this in less time (about 20 minutes) but will probably regret it once I get stuck doing one of the 10,000 things that have to get done in the morning.
I shuffle my feet or limp along because my muscles ache and my joints hurt, I get BooBoo ready for school (with the help of Daddy and Little One) and then get The Monkey all set up with some breakfast.
During this time I can usually force myself to eat a granola bar, or to have an instant breakfast shake. Typically other foods or even the thought of eating, most days is nauseating to me.
At 10:00 am EVERY damned morning I have an alarm on my phone that rings. This is my first med time of three/four for the day. I have a terrible memory, and even though I rely on those meds to help me out, I have a hell of a time remember to take them **ON TIME**.
For right now, with no diagnosis I'm taking anti-inflammatory medications 3-4 times a day depending on how I'm feeling. Here's how that looks..and then I'll explain it after.
Morning - 10 am
Afternoon - 4 pm
Bedtime - 10 pm
I have also woken up around 3:45 am from pain in order to take a dose of anti-inflammatories then. The dose on the box of this medication that I can pick up off the shelf (but that the doctor 'prescribed' for me) is 1 every 12 hours. My doctor told me to take 3; 3-4 times a day. I guess we're just ignoring what perscription drug 'abuse' does to our organs?
Fenugreek is a natural herbal supplement which helps in regulating blood sugars..it also helps with milk production in women, which happens to be one of Daddy's fetishes, so it's a win/win.
Vitamin D..well the last time I had blood work done it was VERY low (like 26 when it should be between 100-200), so we're upping that so that my body is fully up to par.
Anti-Depressant..Celexa for anyone who cares, is on it, or that has been on it. It's working well for me, I like it. Depression is something so many of us deal with, why don't we talk about it more?
Well...I'm talking about it.
Right now.
I have Depression.
There are lots of things that make it worse, there are lots of things that make it better, and there's even more things that don't change it one way or the other.
{ Side Note: I know there's lots of people out there that are against pharmaceutical medications, they're all into natural and holistic stuff. If that works for you, I'm glad! I've tried a few things, nothing made a difference for me. If you don't believe in medication, that's your opinion, and that's ok, just please don't leave negative comments here.}
Medication helps me, so I take it.
Here's the part where I will also tell you that I smoke a shit ton of weed. {Again, if you don't agree, that's fine, just be respectful!}
I figured out with my doctor that I alone smoke on average 2 grams a day. That's an average of a 1/4 ounce of weed a week. That seems just a tad insane. In reality, I'm sure I'm smoking more than that, it was a conservative estimate since it was for my doctor.
So..we can factor time in to my day for smoking weed, because to me it's not JUST a recreational choice, it's a type of pain management. Part of my 45 minutes in the morning is spent laying here in bed with Daddy; smoking our favourite bong and enjoying the start of the day together.
Daddy is very good at instinctively knowing when exactly I'm ready for that first smoke of the day, never rushing it, always giving me the time I need to start to function.
This all of course is based on if I had a good night's sleep. Everything can be completely thrown for a loop if I have to hop out of bed for an emergency, or because I've slept through my alarm (again!) from having a crappy night's sleep.
I spend a lot of my days (particularly recently) in bed for the most part. I keep myself busy by playing online, editing pics, and writing for the blog.
Lots of time I just sleep.
I could sleep a whole day away sometimes.
There have been days where I have.
There will be more where I do, because sometimes I do too much in a day, and it takes a few rest days to get back up to where I was. I'm stubborn, I don't like to stop when I'm hurting.
So..back to this kitchen thing, and WHY I was finally SO flipping happy that it was small..I was having some particularly horrible pain in my left hip/abdomen/lower back/thigh/knee and as I went to take a step, my entire left side from the hip down went out on me, I could not put any pressure on it without wincing. This lasted a few moments, and as fast as that sharp piercing pain came, it was gone.
If my kitchen had not been so very small, I wouldn't have been able to grab both the counter and the freezer to help hold myself up. It sounds like such a small thing to be glad for, but had I not been able to stop myself, I very well may have fallen to the floor, causing me some sort of damage.
I was home alone with the children.
Sometime after this incident happened, while I've been writing this..I've been talking with Daddy about my pain, my lack of decent treatment, and my frustration at not feeling like nobody (other than Daddy/Little One and other family) actually listens to me.
I have such an incredible amount of guilt that I am sick.
There are things I cannot do.
Living with a chronic illness if it has a label or not - is extremely difficult.
This didn't touch at all on how it interferes with my daily life..just a look at some of what I have to deal with.
Feeling helpless sucks.
Having Daddy and Sissy have to watch me suffer sucks.
I know having a label for whatever it is that's wrong with me wont *actually* make a difference; but at least then I'll have an answer when people say "well what's wrong with you?" in a snarky tone, or 'You're so young, that shouldn't hurt' or my favourite..how I'm overweight and losing that will help solve all my problems. News flash people..I've lost 20 lbs in the last year, and the only difference that's been noticed by anyone, is that Daddy says I'm more sore now, than I was before.
I hope when we move, the new house has a kitchen that is big enough to be functional (I feel like our kitchen here isn't at all), but now I know that I also want it small enough to keep me safe.
Things to think about.
We already know stairs are a difficult daily challenge.
Finding a house for a young family plus girlfriend is difficult enough. Having to consider if it will also accommodate my ever stiffening, sore body.
Wish us luck! Something with a ceiling higher than 6' would be nice too, since Daddy is 6'5".
I'll be sure to keep you all posted on the house hunting!
If you've been following me for a little bit, I wrote a post about how "Dirt Piles Don't Get Wi-Fi" in which I explain our apartment and why it sucks..but let's get back to THIS post and why I was finally after so long actually glad that my kitchen was tiny.
You see, since the fall of 2010 when I had our second daughter Destiny by c-section (due to her health, she passed away 4 months later), I have been having increasingly persistent all over body pain.
Normal in the months right after a c/s..and to exasb{p?}erate {how do you spell that damn word? Is it really a word? Is it a 'P'? Leave a message and let me know if you know!!} things, I got pregnant about 5 months after Destiny was born.
THAT pregnancy...twins!
Pure uncontainable joy for the heart, AGONY for the body!
358 days after Destiny was born The Monkey & her twin brother Jaxon were born.
{Side note: I have decided that for autonomy my living children will have nicknames when referred to in writing, my children that have passed are both referred to by their real names as given to them at birth. If you ever happen to be discussing my children with me in person, I do use their real given names that I *PROMISE* are normal by society's standards!}
SOOOO...Let's fast forward some, just a few years, until the present. BooBoo our oldest daughter is 6 right now; The Monkey is 3 1/2..and we call her The Monkey for a reason..climbs EVERYTHING.
I've been having to get more and more active with my girls as they get older, but the problem with that is that I'm finding, even though I'm only 31 which is quite young, my body is behaving in a manner that is not that of a 31 year old woman.
Unfortunately I can't tell you exactly what it is my body is doing, I have what in my house we call 'Mysteryitis'. Several symptoms are contained with in many auto immune diseases, it could be related to my diabetes, it really could be something 'mysterious' or new..but mostly I'm told it's 'nothing', and that there's nothing anybody can do for me.
I have finally convinced my doctor to send me to a ruhmatologist, I'm waiting on that.
I, on most days need at least 45 minutes after my alarm goes off in the morning to be able to move my limbs enough to actually physically lift my body from the bed. If Daddy is available to help me up, I can do this in less time (about 20 minutes) but will probably regret it once I get stuck doing one of the 10,000 things that have to get done in the morning.
I shuffle my feet or limp along because my muscles ache and my joints hurt, I get BooBoo ready for school (with the help of Daddy and Little One) and then get The Monkey all set up with some breakfast.
During this time I can usually force myself to eat a granola bar, or to have an instant breakfast shake. Typically other foods or even the thought of eating, most days is nauseating to me.
At 10:00 am EVERY damned morning I have an alarm on my phone that rings. This is my first med time of three/four for the day. I have a terrible memory, and even though I rely on those meds to help me out, I have a hell of a time remember to take them **ON TIME**.
For right now, with no diagnosis I'm taking anti-inflammatory medications 3-4 times a day depending on how I'm feeling. Here's how that looks..and then I'll explain it after.
Morning - 10 am
- Anti-Inflammatory x 3
- Fenugreek x 2
Afternoon - 4 pm
- Anti-Inflammatory x 3
Bedtime - 10 pm
- Anti-Inflammatory x 3
- Vitamin D x 2
- Anti-Depressant x 1
I have also woken up around 3:45 am from pain in order to take a dose of anti-inflammatories then. The dose on the box of this medication that I can pick up off the shelf (but that the doctor 'prescribed' for me) is 1 every 12 hours. My doctor told me to take 3; 3-4 times a day. I guess we're just ignoring what perscription drug 'abuse' does to our organs?
Fenugreek is a natural herbal supplement which helps in regulating blood sugars..it also helps with milk production in women, which happens to be one of Daddy's fetishes, so it's a win/win.
Vitamin D..well the last time I had blood work done it was VERY low (like 26 when it should be between 100-200), so we're upping that so that my body is fully up to par.
Anti-Depressant..Celexa for anyone who cares, is on it, or that has been on it. It's working well for me, I like it. Depression is something so many of us deal with, why don't we talk about it more?
Well...I'm talking about it.
Right now.
I have Depression.
There are lots of things that make it worse, there are lots of things that make it better, and there's even more things that don't change it one way or the other.
{ Side Note: I know there's lots of people out there that are against pharmaceutical medications, they're all into natural and holistic stuff. If that works for you, I'm glad! I've tried a few things, nothing made a difference for me. If you don't believe in medication, that's your opinion, and that's ok, just please don't leave negative comments here.}
Medication helps me, so I take it.
Here's the part where I will also tell you that I smoke a shit ton of weed. {Again, if you don't agree, that's fine, just be respectful!}
I figured out with my doctor that I alone smoke on average 2 grams a day. That's an average of a 1/4 ounce of weed a week. That seems just a tad insane. In reality, I'm sure I'm smoking more than that, it was a conservative estimate since it was for my doctor.
So..we can factor time in to my day for smoking weed, because to me it's not JUST a recreational choice, it's a type of pain management. Part of my 45 minutes in the morning is spent laying here in bed with Daddy; smoking our favourite bong and enjoying the start of the day together.
Daddy is very good at instinctively knowing when exactly I'm ready for that first smoke of the day, never rushing it, always giving me the time I need to start to function.
This all of course is based on if I had a good night's sleep. Everything can be completely thrown for a loop if I have to hop out of bed for an emergency, or because I've slept through my alarm (again!) from having a crappy night's sleep.
I spend a lot of my days (particularly recently) in bed for the most part. I keep myself busy by playing online, editing pics, and writing for the blog.
Lots of time I just sleep.
I could sleep a whole day away sometimes.
There have been days where I have.
There will be more where I do, because sometimes I do too much in a day, and it takes a few rest days to get back up to where I was. I'm stubborn, I don't like to stop when I'm hurting.
So..back to this kitchen thing, and WHY I was finally SO flipping happy that it was small..I was having some particularly horrible pain in my left hip/abdomen/lower back/thigh/knee and as I went to take a step, my entire left side from the hip down went out on me, I could not put any pressure on it without wincing. This lasted a few moments, and as fast as that sharp piercing pain came, it was gone.
If my kitchen had not been so very small, I wouldn't have been able to grab both the counter and the freezer to help hold myself up. It sounds like such a small thing to be glad for, but had I not been able to stop myself, I very well may have fallen to the floor, causing me some sort of damage.
I was home alone with the children.
Sometime after this incident happened, while I've been writing this..I've been talking with Daddy about my pain, my lack of decent treatment, and my frustration at not feeling like nobody (other than Daddy/Little One and other family) actually listens to me.
I have such an incredible amount of guilt that I am sick.
There are things I cannot do.
Living with a chronic illness if it has a label or not - is extremely difficult.
This didn't touch at all on how it interferes with my daily life..just a look at some of what I have to deal with.
Feeling helpless sucks.
Having Daddy and Sissy have to watch me suffer sucks.
I know having a label for whatever it is that's wrong with me wont *actually* make a difference; but at least then I'll have an answer when people say "well what's wrong with you?" in a snarky tone, or 'You're so young, that shouldn't hurt' or my favourite..how I'm overweight and losing that will help solve all my problems. News flash people..I've lost 20 lbs in the last year, and the only difference that's been noticed by anyone, is that Daddy says I'm more sore now, than I was before.
I hope when we move, the new house has a kitchen that is big enough to be functional (I feel like our kitchen here isn't at all), but now I know that I also want it small enough to keep me safe.
Things to think about.
We already know stairs are a difficult daily challenge.
Finding a house for a young family plus girlfriend is difficult enough. Having to consider if it will also accommodate my ever stiffening, sore body.
Wish us luck! Something with a ceiling higher than 6' would be nice too, since Daddy is 6'5".
I'll be sure to keep you all posted on the house hunting!
Much Love,
~*~ Kat ~*~
~*~ Kat ~*~