Wait, what? This post is in regards to some comments and conversations that I've had with people recently. So, here's what I think about those comments and conversations.
I knew I'd get some comments from people in regards to standing up against Dillhole (Check out the Dillhole Series if you're unsure what I'm talking about), I knew there would be people that didn't support me. What I didn't know, or expect was that for people that are aware of his behaviour, and warned me (sadly too late from lack of me asking) to stay away from this person, to tell me that they 'can't feel sorry for me'. These people in particular that 'can't' feel sorry for me say that this is because I failed to get references about this person.
First, I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I know I made a mistake. I admit (now, and have in the past, and will in the future) that I made a mistake. We ALL do it. Some to bigger degrees than others.
However, let me ask you this; Have you ever been at a bar and seen a really hot guy you wanted to hook up with? Did you ever talk to one of those guys and then take him home? When you got home with him, did you engage in sex? Yes? Wait...did you contact his references first? No? What do you mean no?
How could you pick a guy up in a bar, take him home, and not check his references? I hope you consented to that sexual experience, because according to this flawed way of thinking, if you didn't, and you say he raped you, then you MUST have deserved it, because you didn't check references.
Yes, that's exactly the vibe I'm getting from the comments made to me. I didn't check my references, therefore I deserved to be raped.
I knew I'd get some comments from people in regards to standing up against Dillhole (Check out the Dillhole Series if you're unsure what I'm talking about), I knew there would be people that didn't support me. What I didn't know, or expect was that for people that are aware of his behaviour, and warned me (sadly too late from lack of me asking) to stay away from this person, to tell me that they 'can't feel sorry for me'. These people in particular that 'can't' feel sorry for me say that this is because I failed to get references about this person.
First, I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I know I made a mistake. I admit (now, and have in the past, and will in the future) that I made a mistake. We ALL do it. Some to bigger degrees than others.
However, let me ask you this; Have you ever been at a bar and seen a really hot guy you wanted to hook up with? Did you ever talk to one of those guys and then take him home? When you got home with him, did you engage in sex? Yes? Wait...did you contact his references first? No? What do you mean no?
How could you pick a guy up in a bar, take him home, and not check his references? I hope you consented to that sexual experience, because according to this flawed way of thinking, if you didn't, and you say he raped you, then you MUST have deserved it, because you didn't check references.
Yes, that's exactly the vibe I'm getting from the comments made to me. I didn't check my references, therefore I deserved to be raped.
Let's talk about something though, which I guess I failed to mention, or mentioned it so briefly that people missed it, Little One and Dillhole had previously met, at the home of someone that Little One loves and trusts very much to this day.
Little One had met Dillhole for the first time around June 2014, and remained in contact with him off and on through-out the months leading up to Daddy and I meeting him at the event where we were introduced to him by Little One.
This shows to me very clearly how much of a chameleon Dillhole can be, as he has been able to hide his true self from many people, but never for very long.
How exactly am I supposed to check references? How do I find out who Dillhole knows? I ask him?
So then he's going to give me names of people that he's friends with. Yeah, I'm sure those people will tell me what a douche canoe he is. *Eye Roll*
Does anyone honestly think if he KNOWS I'm checking references he's going to give me names of people that don't like him? So how helpful is that really in the long run?
Would it have stopped it from happening? I don't know. Maybe.
I have to STRONGLY disagree with this 'reference' mindset, simply for the fact that I should be able to have a male friend (yes, we were more than 'friends' but let's say friend for this example), whom I don't have 'references' for, and be alone with him, with the basic trust that he's not going to **RAPE ME**!
Little One had met Dillhole for the first time around June 2014, and remained in contact with him off and on through-out the months leading up to Daddy and I meeting him at the event where we were introduced to him by Little One.
This shows to me very clearly how much of a chameleon Dillhole can be, as he has been able to hide his true self from many people, but never for very long.
How exactly am I supposed to check references? How do I find out who Dillhole knows? I ask him?
So then he's going to give me names of people that he's friends with. Yeah, I'm sure those people will tell me what a douche canoe he is. *Eye Roll*
Does anyone honestly think if he KNOWS I'm checking references he's going to give me names of people that don't like him? So how helpful is that really in the long run?
Would it have stopped it from happening? I don't know. Maybe.
I have to STRONGLY disagree with this 'reference' mindset, simply for the fact that I should be able to have a male friend (yes, we were more than 'friends' but let's say friend for this example), whom I don't have 'references' for, and be alone with him, with the basic trust that he's not going to **RAPE ME**!
So, to my next point; yes, technically I was in a relationship with this man. I had previously consented to have sex with him.
On this particular occasion, he did NOT ask for consent, and he did NOT receive it.
I have explained in previous writings what I was wearing when the incident took place, though I do feel I *COULD HAVE* been naked and masturbating in front of him, and he STILL should not touch, or engage in sexual acts with me, without getting CLEAR VERBAL CONSENT..
On this particular occasion, he did NOT ask for consent, and he did NOT receive it.
I have explained in previous writings what I was wearing when the incident took place, though I do feel I *COULD HAVE* been naked and masturbating in front of him, and he STILL should not touch, or engage in sexual acts with me, without getting CLEAR VERBAL CONSENT..
THIS is what clear consent looks like..
There was NO consent given, in fact, I was SO uncomfortable with the situation that my nerves took over and I vomited.
Now maybe people will argue that he thought he had consent, but I have to tell you, if my husband was engaging in sex with me and was getting NO feedback, you can bet damn well that he's going to be stopping and asking what's up! Actually, he wouldn't be *IN* the act already, because we wouldn't have gotten that far. He has enough respect and pays enough attention to me, to talk to me when he knows there's a problem.
Ah, yes. Here's something else, DILLHOLE KNEW THERE WAS A PROBLEM! He *knew* that I was upset with him, because I had already tried to discuss it with him several times. He knew had he ASKED for consent none would be given, so he just didn't ask.
So, what maybe should go in my other post about red flags I'm going to add here, because it's since come into my mind, and hadn't when I wrote the other post.
The weekend before this incident, the four of us (Dillhole, Daddy, Sissy, and myself) had all sat down and gone over Dillhole's protocols, and adapted them for our unique situation. Sissy and I assumed that once we all agreed on these protocols and rules that they would be put into place, and we started following them accordingly to the best of our abilities.
One of the specific daily rules was that panties must not be worn(under nightgowns/at bed time/under skirts etc), as to always allow access for 'sir'. This is semi reasonable in our home as we do have children, so it was negotiated that after the children were in bed this rule would apply. To go along with this, if panties were being worn then there would not be any sexual advances by 'sir'.
Fair rule, if everyone follows it. I have some strange body things happening, and I bleed randomly during my cycle, there was more than one occasion where he broke this rule with me, and this is where I should have had my red flag moment.
Now maybe people will argue that he thought he had consent, but I have to tell you, if my husband was engaging in sex with me and was getting NO feedback, you can bet damn well that he's going to be stopping and asking what's up! Actually, he wouldn't be *IN* the act already, because we wouldn't have gotten that far. He has enough respect and pays enough attention to me, to talk to me when he knows there's a problem.
Ah, yes. Here's something else, DILLHOLE KNEW THERE WAS A PROBLEM! He *knew* that I was upset with him, because I had already tried to discuss it with him several times. He knew had he ASKED for consent none would be given, so he just didn't ask.
So, what maybe should go in my other post about red flags I'm going to add here, because it's since come into my mind, and hadn't when I wrote the other post.
The weekend before this incident, the four of us (Dillhole, Daddy, Sissy, and myself) had all sat down and gone over Dillhole's protocols, and adapted them for our unique situation. Sissy and I assumed that once we all agreed on these protocols and rules that they would be put into place, and we started following them accordingly to the best of our abilities.
One of the specific daily rules was that panties must not be worn(under nightgowns/at bed time/under skirts etc), as to always allow access for 'sir'. This is semi reasonable in our home as we do have children, so it was negotiated that after the children were in bed this rule would apply. To go along with this, if panties were being worn then there would not be any sexual advances by 'sir'.
Fair rule, if everyone follows it. I have some strange body things happening, and I bleed randomly during my cycle, there was more than one occasion where he broke this rule with me, and this is where I should have had my red flag moment.
Why do *I* have to follow the rules, but *he* doesn't?
Yeah..seems strange doesn't it?
That's WHY it should have been a red flag moment. These are the moments it's important to listen to your gut instinct. Unfortunately not all of us do that all of the time.
My last point that I want to discuss right now is this;
Yeah..seems strange doesn't it?
That's WHY it should have been a red flag moment. These are the moments it's important to listen to your gut instinct. Unfortunately not all of us do that all of the time.
My last point that I want to discuss right now is this;
RAPE is NOT a word to be thrown around lightly.
I thought about this whole incident VERY hard before I even said anything to Daddy (my husband). When I did decide I needed to tell him, I said that I felt *taken advantage of*, as my Daddy got more details about the situation, HE was the one that said I was raped. It took nearly 2 weeks from the day it happened for me to say ANYTHING publicly about the downfall of the relationship with Dillhole. It was another several days before I publicly made a statement about being raped. I did not expect for this to happen, therefore I was in a great amount of denial. |
While sitting here talking with Daddy and Sissy about it, before anything was publicly said, Sissy informed me that he also put her in situations where she was incapable of giving consent due to sleeping medications that she takes.
Why does a young woman take sleeping medications? She takes them because 3 1/2 years ago she was raped by a stranger, while she sat minding her own business, listening to some music and writing in her notebook not far from her own back door on a warm summer evening.
This is something Dillhole knew about Little One, it had come up in their conversations while they were spending time getting to know each other and building trust.
If this doesn't scream predator to everyone, I don't know what would?
T HIS is the driving force behind why I feel like I need to stand up and say something. I KNOW this man raped two women. I have had a third come forward to me and tell me that he has raped her as well. This third woman told me she also knows of a fourth that came forward to *her*.
So, I know that hearsay means nothing, but I now know of FOUR women that he's raped. I suspect there's more, he's had quite a few play partners, though he claims he doesn't have sex with them. Perhaps he just meant he doesn't have consensual sex with them.
Part of one comment that's driven me to write this was that sitting behind my computer trying to besmirch his name in the community was really doing nothing, and that the only way to truly DO something about this was to go to the police. This is the only way apparently to make it no longer a case of he said/she said which cases like this often are, and makes it a 'valid' complaint?
I don't understand how making a legal matter out of the incident (which I choose not to discuss either way publicly as is my RIGHT), takes any action towards warning people in the kink community about someone that preys on people, and is moving through the kink community as a way to do it.
Why does a young woman take sleeping medications? She takes them because 3 1/2 years ago she was raped by a stranger, while she sat minding her own business, listening to some music and writing in her notebook not far from her own back door on a warm summer evening.
This is something Dillhole knew about Little One, it had come up in their conversations while they were spending time getting to know each other and building trust.
If this doesn't scream predator to everyone, I don't know what would?
T HIS is the driving force behind why I feel like I need to stand up and say something. I KNOW this man raped two women. I have had a third come forward to me and tell me that he has raped her as well. This third woman told me she also knows of a fourth that came forward to *her*.
So, I know that hearsay means nothing, but I now know of FOUR women that he's raped. I suspect there's more, he's had quite a few play partners, though he claims he doesn't have sex with them. Perhaps he just meant he doesn't have consensual sex with them.
Part of one comment that's driven me to write this was that sitting behind my computer trying to besmirch his name in the community was really doing nothing, and that the only way to truly DO something about this was to go to the police. This is the only way apparently to make it no longer a case of he said/she said which cases like this often are, and makes it a 'valid' complaint?
I don't understand how making a legal matter out of the incident (which I choose not to discuss either way publicly as is my RIGHT), takes any action towards warning people in the kink community about someone that preys on people, and is moving through the kink community as a way to do it.
I AM DOING SOMETHING. I AM SPEAKING UP.
For the 80% of women that are raped by someone they know. For the ones like my sister, who have already had to live through one trauma, for the ones that are afraid of retaliation, for the ones that feel like nobody will listen, for the ones that are afraid of judgement from people that are supposed to be their friends.
I feel like I MUST have my voice heard. If you cannot be supportive and find yourself tired of hearing about it, then you know how to remove yourself from my life, feel free to do so. I'd like to say you will be missed, but that would be a lie. I have no room in my life for people that think it's their job to judge me and my experiences.
So, what did we learn here boys and girls?
I feel like I MUST have my voice heard. If you cannot be supportive and find yourself tired of hearing about it, then you know how to remove yourself from my life, feel free to do so. I'd like to say you will be missed, but that would be a lie. I have no room in my life for people that think it's their job to judge me and my experiences.
So, what did we learn here boys and girls?
- Use your best judgement when interacting with new people
- Try to check around, see what you can find out about someone new before getting too involved with them
- Watch for red flags (if you're unsure what I'm talking about check out part 3 of my Dillhole Series)
- TRUST YOUR GUT!
- Communication, as always SUPER IMPORTANT.
I had icky feelings about him, Daddy had icky feelings about him, and Sissy had icky feelings about him, for some reason we hesitated on communicating those icky feelings to each other; had we there's a good chance that things would have played out differently.
There you go...people DO make mistakes, we even admit it. (small ones, like 'not checking 'references', or spilling your water at dinner, even accidentally hurting someone during a scene..these are forgivable offences)
However, it is NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER OK TO RAPE SOMEONE! (this is not an 'oopsie' mistake, even if the accused does claim guilt, and shows remorse. Fair judgement based on response to accusation of course, but forgiveness..NO!)
There you go...people DO make mistakes, we even admit it. (small ones, like 'not checking 'references', or spilling your water at dinner, even accidentally hurting someone during a scene..these are forgivable offences)
However, it is NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER OK TO RAPE SOMEONE! (this is not an 'oopsie' mistake, even if the accused does claim guilt, and shows remorse. Fair judgement based on response to accusation of course, but forgiveness..NO!)
Much Love,
~*~ Kat ~*~
~*~ Kat ~*~